TO HELL AND BEYOND WITH YOUR POLYGAMY

Polygamy, polygamy. How you are misunderstood. You are like a beautiful woman a man has longingly watched from afar and finally gets to know personally and discovers a rotten core. 

Polygamy laws are passed by a small group of misguided men sitting around a high table that hadn’t quite thought things through. And what is more fascinating, is the millions of men beneath this high table cheering them on, oblivious to the damage being done to them from the halls of power. By passing polygamy as law you hand over a hammer to an oppressor to bludgeon you daily to sleep.

So you think having many wives is fun? Taking on more wives is simply adding to your responsibilities. Men are failing to satisfy one wife and now you want two, three, four? All the best to you, brother. As one Kenyan joked recently “What’s all this polygamy talk? Isn’t one wife punishment enough?”  A man the stature of Abraham Lincoln, able to negotiate the souls of an entire race regarding slavery failed to negotiate happiness in his personal household. Is this surprising?When King Solomon, a man with 700 wives and 300 concubines said himself “A continual dripping on a rainy day and a quarrelsome wife are alike” Yes, King Solomon, said to be the wisest man on Earth was quarreling with some of his wives. Who then, do you think you are? Polygamy is not some pornographic movie you watched where multiple women are obeying your every whim and gasping at your “prowess”. Men are able to take on more wives based on their social standing. And a man’s social standing hinge principally on two things: Association (inheritance, connections etc) and personal charisma/conspicuous talent. Do you have any of these? Is your father or family rich? Do you even know what you are good at? It’s not like women are just lining up to be married to you at will in a polygamous society. Who are you and what do you have? Appraise yourself sir.

The singular question here is not who does polygamy benefit but who does polygamy benefit the most and who does it benefit the least? And here is where things become a little comical considering these polygamy bills are written and passed primarily by eager men dreaming of their own harem wherein their fantasies can be fulfilled. Polygamy benefits most rich and powerful men and also the general mass of women but benefits least the general mass of men (note I am not saying polygamy benefits the general mass of women. I am saying if it exists it would benefit most the general mass of women and benefit least the general mass of men. There is a huge difference in these two statements) Here’s how.

Polygamy serves rich and powerful men because given the freedom and right circumstance, a man would hoard every woman in the world for himself. But this cannot be achieved. Society would explode. So what happens in unbridled polygamy is that the most powerful men hoard as many women as they can up to the most ridiculous and allowable point depending on the society and the age the people are in. One of the Chinese emperors of history had 30,000 concubines. I suffered a mild migraine thinking about the excessiveness of this. I suppose there is no current modern equivalent. But the truth still holds. Women concentrate around the most distinguished and wealthy. But wait a minute, if this emperor had 30,000 women to himself, what were the other men doing with themselves? Wow. So now you have a situation where average Tinashe Nkokane (random name) not only has no woman but also no prospect of ever having one. What is he to do? All the captains of industry have taken the women because you are now a polygamous society. As a consequence of this newly embraced polygamy and this scarcity of women, do you create homosexuals which you so loathe and hate? Do you cause situations where gang rape is an endemic problem? We are only speculating possible effects now. Watch yourselves gentlemen when passing these bills. 

Polygamy also benefits most the general mass of women in the sense that every woman could have a man for her. Some man. Maybe not exclusively, but some man. It also does another thing. It makes the most decorated men available to more women in a more transparent manner. This is a hard thing for men to accept. But one reason (only one reason for these things are complex and mustn’t be overly simplified) women have affairs with married or committed men, is they were irresistibly drawn to charisma, power or wealth. At the time they hadn’t the strength nor even the desire to resist. This is the pull and force of power. If in a bizarre and overnight shift in culture, it was declared on television that the House of Windsor was now polygamous and Prince William was taking on 1,000 new wives the number of applications from women married and unmarried would be startling. Some women would happily leave their marriages and be wife no. 50 for Prince William. Better that with its offerings of comfort and luxury than a stale and uneventful life with an average man. This is why there are women everywhere who never married simply because they could never accept a union with a man who was not rich, famous or charismatic. Such a thing was too horrible to consider. King Mswati of Swaziland chooses a new bride every year from consenting families. This is the underbelly of polygamy. Can you compete with Prince William or King Mswati? Men of the world you shoot yourselves in the foot. Viva Monogamy!

Monogamy, monogamy. After we had left home thinking we were going to a better place, we stood once again upon our first soil and realized it is you we desired all along, but hadn’t known. Our eyes had been blinded by a false light and we had taken you for granted.

Once again we ask a similar question. Not who does Monogamy benefit, but rather who does it benefit most and who does it benefit least. Monogamy, even after it has been bashed by some as a myth, branded a social farce actually benefits most the very people, in this case men, that occasionally attack it. Monogamy benefits most the average Joes. Men without distinction, “good birth” or inheritance. Men with little talent. Everyone stands some sort of chance. And as things turn out, because you have this one woman to consider all your choices with rather than three or four competing wives and a little yard of children secretly hating you and each other, she might actually help you become someone. Assist you to do something. You might surprise yourself and realize you had wings all along. Folded wings. Wings which you now stretch and soar on. You might even do something remarkable because you weren’t distracted. And to the most beautiful and desirable women, Monogamy too benefits you most. The clearest hierarchy in the world is beauty. It is self evident, natural and palpable. No one needs to teach it to you. It is something known and felt. And this is the reason women have and will always obsess over it. A president can be commanded by a minister looking to him for advice and direction, a CEO can ask his deputy for strategy. But a beautiful woman can never walk in a room of less beautiful women and feel intimidated. Beauty transcends class. This is why Cinderella’s step sisters hated her. Beauty was her inalienable advantage. Alexander the Great after marching undefeated into Persian lands married a princess called Roxana meaning ‘Luminous Beauty’ as she was considered the most beautiful woman in the known world. She was the only woman Alexander the Great ever married. And this being a man who could have married any woman he wished. Yes, monogamy benefits most these most desirable of women. The kind of women men just automatically fall in love with. The Roxanne’s of the world. This is because they have exclusive rights on this one great man who could otherwise have married multiple women if that were allowed. Someone may object here and point out that powerful men can just have affairs. Yes they can. And they occasionally do. But legally and culturally speaking there is a divide between a wife and a mistress. Mistresses live on that hidden and unofficial side of the world. Wives are in full daylight. When a man is nominated for the Nobel Prize it is his wife who accompanies him to the ceremony. Monogamy gives you the opportunity you most desirable of women to have more for yourself.(whatever that “more” is)

So there we have it. Monogamy best in general for men compared to polygamy.

So gentlemen. Go home to your wives and be thankful. These are the mothers of your children. Respect them. And let’s not bring this polygamy thing up ever again.